Did You Have A Bad First Date? Brain Study Shows Fear Is The Problem.
Did you have a bad first date? This brain study shows why.
I was reading an issue of Psychology Today and the “Art of Fear.” The article discusses a study that shows fear can increase your appreciation of beauty. And apparently other little detail that you think was beautiful. What does this have to do with dating?
If you’re getting ready for a date and you feel nervous or afraid of doing something stupid or saying the wrong thing, it will make you hyper aware of what happens with the new potential beau. Your fear of the unexpected will make you think that this guy is the end all be all. He is the ONLY one for you. But it is NOT so.
In the research they had a couple different groups. One group watched a clip from a scary movie, and they found more wonder in abstract art, than the groups who exercised, watched a puppy video or quietly sat. Fear was shown to be the root of the astonishing feelings people felt. Fear was the catalyst of a person thinking some abstract paint spots were an amazing piece of art.
Kendall Eskine, head of the project from Loyola University in New Orleans says “fear is a uniquely powerful and gripping emotion. It has the potential to consume a person’s experience in such a way that gives tremendous focus.” Fear will also give us laser sharp focus on what we THINK we are doing wrong.
Have you even felt this ever consuming fear because of a situation with a man? Even on a first date?
Have you ever felt like you were hypersensitive? You were getting ready for your first date. You were excited and nervous. The date was going well, but you were still afraid. You remember the color of his tie, what shoes he was wearing and the twinkle in green his eyes with a ring of fire around each pupil.
You also remember that he ordered a whisky sour, slowly ate a green goddess salad and pan seared Brazilian Cut Steak cook medium rare. You were wearing your little black dress with gold platforms, big hoop earrings, a wire wrapped crystal necklace while you drank rioja from Argentina, ate your locally grown pumpkin soup, while gazing out at the full moon at exactly 9:15. Then at 9:57 you split jalapeno and peach sorbet for dessert. Then Junie the waitress brought your check that he so chivalrously paid for with his Red White and Blue Bank of America check card.
You also remember every detail about the story he told about his golden retriever falling in the pond. He was on the hill by his grandmother’s house in April 2010 on a perfect sunny spring day. You remember it like you were actually there. Details. Details. Details. You also remember when you slipped and talked about your ex not putting the lid on the toothpaste and how much it bothered you.
That’s when it all went down hill. This was the beginning of your fear, the negaitive cycle. Your fearful overthinking brain turned this totally perfect date into a bad first date.
The date went down the tubes from there. You ruined it. Then you went home. He didn’t call you back. Then you replay it over and over in your head and over-analyze everything you did wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are human, and he wasn’t obligated to call you.
The fear starts to get it’s boa constrictor grip. When you’re getting to know someone on a first date, there can be a fear of the unknown. Will he call? Did I do something wrong?
Love can also stimulate us in the same way and make us ultra sensitive.
When you’re falling in love it seems to trigger the same response. Aaaahhh! Why did I say that?
Love and Fear are so closely related aren’t they? Love and Fear, Fear and Love. But they’re actually the exact opposite. Isn’t it crazy that the ones we love he most, are the ones we seem to hurt the most and they seem to hurt us the most? And it all breaks down to us feeling afraid.
The fear in us can make us want the other person even more? Even obsess over them? The feelings of love and fear trigger us in the same way. We are so aware of everything going on when we’re afraid and falling in love.
Love can cause us to be afraid unless we’re confident in ourselves and the love we have for ourselves.
It will serve you to relax before you go meet a new man. Relax before you have your first, second or third date. Take time to breathe and take a nice long shower before you meet him. Take your time when you’re getting dressed. Do some deep breathing and get centered. Don’t be afraid to let the love flow out of your heart and into your heart. Be brave of this dance between men and women because it’s a beautiful thing.
What comes in our experience is a mirror of what we feel on the inside. If you keep being afraid, you will attract someone else who is afraid. If you want love, you’ve got to know it in your heart. You’ve got to be clear. If you want love, you need to let the universe know that you’re ready.