Maybe you’ve thought to yourself, “All men are jerks!” And there are some men out there who have done some pretty lowbrow things… why do they do the things they do? Because those men are human—just like us. Those testosterone-laden, biped male mammals, have hurts, flaws, and learning to do— just like us.

Men, (and women), do stupid things, especially when there is a high state of emotions.

One of my favorite sayings is, “When emotions are high intelligence is low.” This is especially true when you have been vulnerable with someone close to you.

We have to accept ourselves and other people even though we say and participate in foolish behavior. And the main reason you think all men are jerks is that you have been hurt by one men, many men, your mom, your sister or a teacher. Everyone has been hurt and scared, and that is why humans act this way.

We’ve all been through the devastating pain of love. It feels like a postcard-perfect Hawaiian vacation in the beginning, with sunny beaches, dolphins, and perfect warm water to swim in.

Then it begins to slowly sink into something that isn’t— well… perfect like you imagined. There is seaweed, coral that skins your knees, the dolphins go away, and the blood-thirsty sharks come out to play. It feels scary and you feel vulnerable.

The fantasy you had in your mind in reality is imperfect.

It becomes hard and it feels like you are swimming choppy water with no shoreline in sight.

There is no life raft to save you and definitely no hot-tanned-buff lifeguard to pull you from the wild roller coaster of emotions that feel like a typhoon is on the horizon

There can be horrible things in your past: Eye-rolling, name-calling, stuffing down feelings, anger, violence, feeling unheard, passive-aggressive behavior, and not feeling lovable.

Almost every man and woman on the planet has had some kind of heartbreak even if the heart breaker was not a mean person. We are all alike in that way, and every situation isn’t alike, but the themes and the devastating pain are the same.

Here are 15 reasons why you think men are all jerks.

  1. You haven’t had a date in a year.
  2. He never called you back.
  3. Your ex-was abusive and you feel like you can never trust a man again.
  4. Your boyfriend in college slept with your best friend. Seriously?
  5. You’ve had 59 dates this year and still no boyfriend.
  6. You started binging on Mad Men on Netflix. And what happened next? Your ex-cheated on you with that hot redhead from the office. The seed was planted in his mind and 6 months later she is having a baby. Talk about complicated.
  7. You are 45 and yet are still not married.
  8. One date ditched you with a huge bill at the tapa restaurant.
  9. You devoted 10 years of your life to a man whom never really committed. He would string you along with the idea of getting hitched, “someday”.
  10. Your dad left you when you were 5 and you get clingy with every man you meet. You can’t seem to control your fingers texting him one too many times late into the night. It never seems to work out.
  11. You can’t get him to ask you on the third date.
  12. You feel like no good man will ever “pick” you.
  13. You have been in too many short-term relationships.
  14. You have been meeting men online since AOL.
  15. You sleep with a man on the first date and he ends up committing to some other woman who isn’t as pretty as you, or as smart as you the next month.

No wonder you think men are jerks, girlfriend! Look at the harebrained things from men you have endured. I feel your pain, but there is no reason to blame. Blaming someone for something that is happening to you is an excuse not to grow. You are better than that. You are not a victim and you have the power inside of yourself to create a kick-ass amazing life that will make your friends jealous.

There are some important things you can do to get your groove on as a single woman and attract the right man into your life. All men are not proverbial douche bags and you don’t need a man to survive nowadays. Thank goodness we have a choice. We can go to the store and buy our own chicken and quinoa easily, thank you very much.

I personally happen to love men and women. I am a people lover in general and I even love the ones who have mistreated, me, (from a distance of course).

Learning to love people where they are is a big step to feeling more grounded in your own life.

Don’t sweat bad dates and breakups. 

He didn’t call you back? So what? He did you a huge favor. At least he didn’t drag out bad love-making for 5 months then ditch you. You deserve a man who will call you back, make you feel more passion, and apparently he is not your guy.

Love him and his little boy ways from afar. Your learned something from your interaction, right? Dig for it if you have to. There had to be at least one thing good about him. Pick something out that wasn’t horrible in the man who stood you up or broke your heart. Was he fit? Did he have great style, was a great kisser or at least picked up the check?

Focusing on the good things in men, even about the men who did you wrong, will help you shift your vibes to one of a more positive nature. This is what you want. If you want to sweat something, get your butt to the gym and let it drip off of your skin on the stair-mistress.

Take the wise grandmother route.

Look at what your breakups, heartbreak or unrequited love have taught you. Think about how much you have learned in the past 10 years. These up and down experiences have given you great personal practice to a truly meaningful life. When you are an old lady, the things that have happened to you will have shaped you, and your powerful knowing, your supreme wisdom.

If you can find any meaning in a bad date with Jimbo who chewed with his mouth open you are well on your way to self-actualization.

The wisdom you have gained from your less than snappy experiences is worth more to who you are than the splurge on those strappy Manolos you saved up for 3 months.

These bad dates and broken hearts have taught you to want you really want in your life because you found out exactly what you didn’t want and this is part of the puzzle. Your lousy ex-deserves a gold star for all the life experience he gave you.

These men were a gift for you. They directed you toward another street sign in the right direction of where you want to be.

Fairy tales of happily ever after with no problems on the horizon ever are for the inexperienced. You, my brave sister, have real life experience. You deserve an entire book filled with gold stars for every bump and bruise along the way.

You are still learning and growing, and that will never stop. Thankfully. Can you imagine the monotony of life being the same every day? Even it is considered “perfect”? You would go bonkers if like were unicorns and banana splits every day. You would feel like you were trapped in Cinderella’s Groundhog Day.

Fantasies are just fantasies. Your life it real. Learn to love it.

Learn how to turn yourself on.

Self Love Project

This is critical. If you don’t know what you like, how the hell is a man supposed to figure it out? Make yourself happy in any way you can, as long as you are not hurting yourself or anybody else.

Date yourself every day. Give yourself the romance you desire, first. Buy yourself flowers, and get a massage or a pedicure. Take a sensual bath with some yummy bath oils or sugar scrub, and figure out how you like to be touched.

Appreciate your body and use all of your senses. Listen to the dripping faucet, your favorite Frank Sinatra song, or the birds outside.

Most of all, pay attention to the amazing things that are in your life right now. You have a job you love, friends who adore you, you can make a mean hash brown casserole, and you have a cat that is lovable— well, most of the time anyway.

Learn to love yourself and don’t criticize yourself so much. Don’t take things that men do, personally. Everyone has his or her own self-interest at heart, and I want you to be the ambassador of your own self-love first and foremost.

If you hear the little monster in your head say something nasty, shift your thought and make it more positive. Pick out at least one thing that you like about yourself every single day. It can be something tiny and seemingly not that important, but it is. Accepting yourself makes it easier to accept others and their flaws.

You are a great friend, a good mother, you are always on time, you know how to shop, or you have beautiful eyes. When you learn to love and accept yourself first, you will learn to love others and attract love with the person who is right for you… with all of their quirky and annoying, yet totally lovable flaws. If you want to learn how to heal your heart, you’ve got to watch this video.