Being called a good girl— it’s a trap? Is it a way I should be? Is it the way I am? Am I a good girl?

No. I don’t think so. And I like it when men talk to me like I am a human and not a well-behaved dog.

I’m not bad girl per say. But I’m not good either. As Popeye, the Sailor would say, “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam.” We all just yam.

I most certainly am not a good girl, (anymore— thankfully I reprogrammed myself to change that conditioning), and as the grown-ass adult woman, I don’t change myself to please others anymore.

I make changes to myself to make me feel good.

The beauty of hitting 40, and having plenty of good and bad contrast in my life helps me realize that being a good girl isn’t so great.

These days I’m not such a pushover, and I have the wisdom not to stay stuck in patterns that don’t serve me. Before that, it was a daily struggle to say no because what would people think? What if people didn’t like what they saw? What if people didn’t like me?

That would make me bad.

That would make me unlovable, and someone had to love me because I didn’t like myself and I expected others to lift me up out of my funk.

Then I realized that no man could make me happy, I needed to do that on my own and sometimes it meant being bad, going against the grain and doing what I wanted to do.

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said, “Well-Behaved Women don’t make History,” and I agree with her. So let’s make history.

Being a good girl is something that turns me off now. Just seeing the words “good girl” pop up on my phone from a could-have-been potential date via text message makes me cringe on the inside.

And the contrast of that, (maybe clueless, maybe dominant alpha, maybe comedian wanna be) man’s good girl words inspired me to write about not being a good girl.

I genuinely appreciate the man’s words because of the contrast it gave me of me being called a good girl, pissed me off and being angry is often an excellent source of inspiration. Thanks for that, Joe.

I needed the contrast to get my juices flowing about the whole idea of being a good girl.

The words good girl make me think of men sexualizing women as little girls— and in this particular instance— me.

Me— A not-so-good girl, who has no interest in being one— anymore.

Don’t get me wrong— I like to feel good. I like to wear sexy clothes. I love to wear red lipstick and have cleavage.

Being different than a man and showing it off makes me feel good. Dressing and feeling sensual makes me feel like a woman. And I like it. I have no interest in being a man, and I will leave all of the beards, and picking up heavy stuff, manly thing to them.

I like the contrast between us, and I don’t mind if a man notices that I feel sexy, but when he does, I still need his respect, and so should you.

I am not a good submissive girl because someone thinks I should be or they think I look like one. If I am one, it’s because I want to be one and I feel safe with someone who respects me.

Many young girls see other people approving of them, and that makes them feel like they are “good” and thus makes them lovable. Girls sacrificed their own pleasure, their yesses, and their nos to satisfy others and many still do.

Thankfully I had wonderful supportive parents, and I still had plenty of time spent hating myself and not feeling lovable. Until I started being bad and doing things for me.

But with all of the media finally calling men out on their stuff with the #metoo business, women are finally starting to stand up for themselves, and it’s about damn time.

Hearing the words, “nice job,” “such a good girl,” “quiet,” “nice,” or “pretty,” were expected to be heard by girls, because that was what we heard when we were good. Conditioning.

Girls are taught to make others happy even if it means squashing their own happiness. 

Becuase that is just what girls do. I know that’s what I did.

We were conditioned to do what others wanted because that is how it has been for hundreds if not thousands of years. It’s been passed on from Great-grandmother to grandmother to mother to daughter, and hopefully, this generation of girls and boys will be the change that is necessary for the expansion of humanity.

At last, The feminine energy is coming up and out into the world, and the meek little good girl women are brave enough to say,

“I’ve had enough!”

And we don’t have to be man-haters to have some good old-fashioned boundaries and stop being good girls. We can still accept men and love them and put ourselves first, and that might mean everyone doesn’t like us because we are acting weird, or different than they expect.

You might hear things like, “Where’s the (insert your name here), we used to know. You aren’t the same.”

They like the old you because the old you was more manageable. More moldable like a good girl.

Things might feel hard when you stop being a good girl because your life will evolve and it is different than what we were taught to expect.

We might have children when we are 45; we might divorce our high-school sweetheart, we might still be single longer than we want.

But to grow, we need to stop being such good girls. Putting men first has been the M.O. of oppressed and everyday women of the world.

When we were young, being “good” meant that we weren’t “bad.”

And being bad was, well— bad.

And good was, well— good.

And being somewhere in the middle that pleases everyone is well—tricky. We are always going to be figuring it out, what else have we got to do but work on our relationships?

Good girl meant we pleased others and pleasing others made us not get in trouble.

Being a bad girl meant you would get a scornful look, a spanking, your nose up against the wall, ignored, or an even worse, no love.

I’m a little dramatic here, but you get the point— or maybe this isn’t dramatic at all.

Being in a good girl holding pattern is detrimental to your sanity.

Thankfully, times are a changing.

Many women are natural born people-pleasers. Becuase we like to see ourselves and others happy. Becuase we love happy. I know I like happy, but I also know that negative feelings are also necessary to help us sort out the things we want.

Things can’t always be unicorns and candy.

Happy IS good— and I personally want more of it, and happiness will not come because I am a good girl.

Happiness comes from being good and bad. And in these shades of gray, we find balance, inner peace and therefore— happiness.

According to research, young girls focus on the “good” label more than boys because in general girls are more mature. Maybe it’s time for us to take a dip in our maturity levels and be bad for a while so we can ourselves be happy.

I know you have to say yes to things you have to do at work or with children. But there are plenty of times when you can say no.

Skip that company picnic if you feel like it.
Don’t say yes to a second date if the guy was cheap.
Don’t go Black Friday shopping if you don’t feel like it, even though it is a tradition.

Some traditions are meant to change. Becuase change is good.

Being good makes us submissive to men, our mother’s, to authority and society. When this happens, we can barely run in our shoes because our heels are so high and our dress is so tight.

And to top it all off, we go into financial ruin because we spent too much money on looking good and now we can’t stand on our own two feet, or afford to support ourselves, so rely on a man.

I searched the term “good girl” in google, and the first thing that popped up was a perfume by Carolina Herrara. The bottle style was in the shape of a high heel shoe with the proportions of a foot binding shoe with a 7-inch heel, (with no platform).

These shoes were not made for walking let alone running, let alone for anything other than being a submissive sex object, but some people do like that.

The perfect good girl in the media (we are talking models here) have these average (actually not-so-average) body types.

Age 16-21 years old
Height 5’9″-6′
Bust 32″-36″
Waist 22″-26″
Hips 33″-35″
Weight 90-120 lbs.

Here is a list of the Average American women size according to

Age over 20 years old
Height 5′ 3″- 5’4″
Waist 38″
Weight 168.5 lbs

36.5% of American women are obese.

So the gap between what the media deems as beautiful is growing faster every day, (I write about this as I nibble on a chocolate muffin).

It’s good to be bad, and my tastebuds certainly don’t mind, and I will not be comparing my muffin top to some model and her lack of having one.

Because she is missing out, and I am not.

Life is all about balance and not cutting you off from every little thing that brings you happiness and this is good.

So do the things that make you happy and start saying no like a good bad girl should. 

Dina Colada is a dating and love coach who specializes in healing your heart as the best pathway to love. To learn her powerful, proven techniques that have changed thousands of lives all around the world please sign up for her newsletter and get the tools you need to heal your heart first and have your most incredible love life.