He was your everything, ever since you met him. Dating him was magical, and it seemed like you two were on the same page about everything. Your anniversaries, your first dates, everything was perfect. Like, Instagram-worthy perfect. 

When the two of you were together, you really felt like this was going to be it. He was going to be the One…until he wasn’t. For one reason or another, the two of you went from a dynamic duo to two people who are no longer together. So now you’re breaking up.

This leads us to a conversation that’s pretty rough. Though your heart is broken into a million pieces, there are certain things you shouldn’t do. Whether you want the relationship to end permanently or you want your ex back doesn’t matter. These ten epic fails are what you need to avoid at all costs. What should you avoid after a breakup? All of these…

Begging, pleading, and guilting your ex to come back or reconsider. 

I know, I know. Easier said than done. However, this does not accomplish anything. If you don’t want your ex back, this will give him the impression that you do. If you do want him back, begging him is not going to make him want to stay. Heck, it’ll actually drive him away. 

This isn’t how to deal with a breakup. In fact, these are the worst things you can do for your self-esteem.

Most people do not find a begging, pleading, crying woman attractive. It’s desperate and makes them feel like they’re better off without you. Do whatever you can do to avoid being “that ex.” Wanna know how to act after a breakup? You can stay true to yourself without freaking out on anyone. (Freak out on your own or with a good friend). 

Trying to explain or show how bad he hurt you. 

If your ex really broke your heart or mistreated you, don’t tell him how much he hurt you. Don’t try to make a spectacle of how much he’s hurting you, either. Chances are that he already knows he’s hurt you. He just doesn’t care enough to stop being hurtful towards you.

Explaining the hurt doesn’t make anything better. Guilting a guy into staying with you is cringey and will usually just drive him further away. If he is abusive, he knows he hurt you and doesn’t care. If anything, it makes him feel better and just makes you dwell on it.

Forgetting how to function.

When you’re reeling from heartbreak, it’s difficult to remember to do the basic stuff. Even things like eating regularly, bathing, or going to work can turn into an uphill battle if the hurt is powerful enough. The problem is, life is still going to go on while you’re grieving. 

Being frozen in despair, not doing anything to maintain your life, will hurt you more than helping you. Force yourself to eat, get your behind to work, and make sure that you’re paying all your bills on time. You still need to be functional if you want to get through the breakup in one piece. 

Getting out of bed will give you a little relief after a breakup if you do something. Anything… I know depression goes hand in hand with heartbreak, but you can beat it! 

Making a public spectacle of the breakup. 

Yes, you want the world to know you have been hurt by that cad. You have every reason to want everyone to know how awful he was or how much the breakup hurt you. It’s totally understandable, and anyone who has been through an Adele-level breakup has felt the urge to do this. 

Unfortunately, it’s never a good idea. At best, you’re going to have people feeling sorry for you. At worst, you will be the iconic “crazy ex” of your friend scene. Aside from the (later) embarrassment of making an ass out of yourself, this will also make you a bit of a stigmatized date. 

Your ex will feel validated in dumping you, and people will feel like you’re a risk to date due to your behavior. No one wants to be with that girl. When you can accept the breakup and walk away, it will make you more attractive to the next guy. 

Breakups give you time to get in touch with yourself. And you can become wiser and radically authentic so your next relationship is so much better than the last one! 

Stalking or threatening your ex. 

If you’ve gotten to this point, it’s no longer about looking good in front of others. This behavior is alarming and actually a sign that you need to take a step away from dating. No matter what he did, lashing out in a violent and aggressive manner will not make things better. 

Rather than obsess over him, head to a therapist and get some help. This kind of behavior is not healthy, and it means you need to focus on healing yourself. If you are creepy with your behavior, this is the hardest part of a breakup that can get you in more trouble than you know. Don’t drive by his house or his office, please! 

Pain shopping. 

Pain shopping is a term for that odd compulsion. People tend to get where they want to look at things that remind them of a sad memory. You might have already done this a bit—looking at anniversary photos, purposefully walking past that one bridal shop you went to, or just like, reading what others say about you. 

Stop doing this to yourself. The more you do this, the more you’re going to hurt yourself. Stewing in your own juices will accomplish absolutely nothing. When you stop the pain shopping, it’s a step in the right direction to feeling normal again. And you can discover how to stop loving him… 

Comparing yourself to others.

After a serious breakup, it’s all too common to compare yourself to others. This is especially true in cases where cheating was involved or where you are the last person in your circle of friends to be single. 

It’s understandable why you may be tempted to do this. People tend to search for a reason as to why things happen, and if we can try to figure out what we did wrong, we tend to feel satisfied in knowing that there might be a way to fix it. Unfortunately, relationships don’t work that way. 

As much as you might want to dig for a reason why it happened, the truth is there sometimes isn’t a reason. Attraction doesn’t always follow logic, nor do decisions people make about relationships. Trying to find a cause where there is none will only drive you up the wall. 

Isolating yourself. 

Right now, you’re hurting. You just lost a part of yourself, someone who you really cared about. If the breakup was particularly bad, you might even be feeling like you don’t remember who you are. Now is a very good time to reach out to friends and family. 

As long as you won’t constantly harp on the breakup, people will be willing to help you heal. You need your support network right now, so go for it. Reach out. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel. 

Self-destructive behaviors. 

We all know someone who tends to cover up the hurt by doing something that hurts them in one way or another. Their bandaid behavior of choice could be turning to drinking, hitting up a drug dealer, or just going into a hyper promiscuous mode. Whatever the “poison” is doesn’t matter. Even if it was an “almost relationship.” 

What matters here is that long term, these methods of stopping the pain don’t work. They actually make your life worse, both long- and short-term. If you feel like you’re running down that path, it’s time to call a substance abuse line. These are some of the big mistakes people make instead of thinking about what not to do when he breaks up with you. 

Not defending yourself. 

Breakups aren’t always clean. Sometimes, you might have the misfortune of dealing with an ex who wants to make your life hell. Being passive is never a smart idea when you’re dealing with a vindictive ex. 

If your ex is smearing your name, set the record straight (with proof, if you can) or hit up a lawyer. If your ex is harassing you, call the cops or sue him. And, if you ever feel like you’re in danger, make sure to get help from a qualified group!

Every breakup is its own battle. If you find yourself on the defensive, make sure that you stand up for your best interests.